Network Etiquette

Networking is the process of intentionally meeting people, making contacts, and forming relationships in hopes of gaining access to such business-related benefits as career advice, job leads, business referrals, useful information and ideas, and emotional support. For example, a small business owner's network might include clients, vendors, fellow members of trade or professional associations, bankers, accountants, professors at a local business school, friends who are employed in similar industries, and other small business owners. Each person that a small business owner adds to his or her network is at the center of their own network, so in actuality the network is expanded considerably with every new member. Ideally, networks serve both social and business functions and are mutually beneficial for their members. The relationships formed in networking help people create a larger world for themselves, with a variety of new relationships, opportunities, and resources.

In an article for the Training and Development Journal, Frank K. Sonnenberg identified three main benefits that accrue to those who practice effective networking: referrals, relationships, and leads. Referrals, which are particularly important in growing a small business, take many forms. For example, a satisfied client might suggest others who may need the company's products or services. Similarly, a network member who is familiar with the company's offerings might provide an endorsement or allow the small business owner to mention his or her name in marketing efforts. It is good networking practice and a matter of professional courtesy to thank the person who provided the referral and to keep them informed of the results of the new contact. In addition, it is important never to use someone as a referral without first securing their permission. If a referral does result in a new client relationship, care should be taken to provide the new client with the same level of product or service quality that was enjoyed by the one that gave the referral. Otherwise, the small business risks ruining both client relationships.

Another benefit of networking is establishing relationships, which can have a number of positive outcomes for small businesses. Forming a close relationship with a client, for example, might provide invaluable insight into their needs. In addition to giving the small business a good opportunity to promote or develop products and services to meet those needs, this insight might also help the small business owner to fix small problems before they escalate into large ones. The insights gained from one client can often be applied to other clients in order to improve those relationships. Close client relationships can also provide information about competitors, their relative strengths and weaknesses, and what it takes to stay ahead of them.

Finally, networking can be an excellent source of leads, whether on new business opportunities, new career options, or further networking possibilities. For example, the head of a construction company that is erecting an office building might share a network with an interior designer. When the building is close to completion, the head of the construction company might provide the interior designer with leads on the occupants of the building and their furnishing needs. In turn, the interior designer might alert a network contact who sells office supplies when the new occupants are preparing to move into the building.

Opportunities for networking abound. One well-known example of a possible contact is the person occupying the next seat on an airplane. But it is possible to take a more organized approach. In an article for Entrepreneur, Leann Anderson outlined several strategies for finding networking opportunities. First, she suggested making a list of specific groups of people that would be helpful to know for business purposes, from potential customers to other small businesses that offer complementary products or services. Then it is necessary to identify where best to find them. Perhaps they are likely to participate in certain activities, belong to certain organizations, or frequent certain places or events. The final step is to become involved in those organizations or activities.

A variety of organizations exist that are dedicated to providing business networking opportunities, like industry trade associations or chambers of commerce. In addition to these traditional groups, which cater mostly to larger businesses, there are hundreds of smaller and more intimate networking groups for small business owners. "Networking groups, from nationwide organizations to single-chapter local outfits, bring together business owners on a regular, formal basis to promote one another's businesses, " Kathleen Less wrote in the Business Journal Serving Greater Sacramento. "The basic concept in all formal networking organizations is that members in a group of businesspeople, each in a different line of work, make referrals to each other from among their own friends, clients, and associates. They not only share customers, but develop a circle of businesses with which they do business and exchange expertise."

Some networking organizations target specific geographic areas or particular demographic groups or industries. For example, there are groups catering to women and minority business owners, and groups consisting of entrepreneurs who run home-based businesses. These small business-oriented groups allow entrepreneurs to form stronger ties with one another than they might be able to do in larger groups with less stable membership. Small business owners can build relationships, provide and receive advice and moral support, and exchange sales leads with fellow members.

An article in Business Week recommended that small business owners begin the process of choosing a networking organization by deciding what their own goals are. They might locate potential groups by talking to other business owners or searching on the Internet. Once an entrepreneur has found several potential networking organizations, the next step is to talk to members and sit in on a meeting or two before deciding whether to join and paying any related fees. Finally, it may be possible to form a new group if an appropriate one cannot be found. Les emphasized that networking organizations have a great deal to offer entrepreneurs: "For small business owners who have little chance to get out of the store or office and interact, networking organizations can offer the regular discipline of meeting with other businesspeople to share free advice and offer support."

Successful networking involves making it a personal practice to view every situation—both inside and outside of the business environment—as an opportunity to meet new people. In an article for Manage, Anna Boe suggested several key points in adding a new acquaintance to the network. First, when meeting people, it is important not to be afraid of rejection, and not to take it personally when it occurs. Second, it is helpful to exchange names, occupations, and other pertinent information shortly after meeting someone new. The best way to strike up a conversation is usually to ask questions to draw people out and get them talking about themselves.

But simply meeting and exchanging information with another person is not enough. Networking is a long-term strategy—not one that should be pursued only when contacts are urgently needed—and networks must be continually formed and improved upon over time. It is important to keep in touch with new acquaintances and nurture the relationships. It is also helpful to grant favors warmly when they are requested, and to be flexible when asking others for their time, information, advice, or a referral. In addition, merely attending conferences or meetings is not enough to establish and maintain a strong network. Instead, it requires one-on-one time with other people. Another factor in establishing networks is to become an active rather than passive participant in associations, clubs, or groups.

Networking has its own rules of etiquette that must be followed if it is to be practiced successfully. Most importantly, networking should consist of give- and-take relationships. People who only want to do one or the other quickly lose members from their networks. Boe noted that giving should be its own reward, and that people who grant favors should avoid the temptation to keep score or expect an immediate favor in return. On the other hand, it is important to allow others an occasional opportunity to reciprocate, or else they will become hesitant to ask for help.

The other common-sense rules of etiquette for successful networking include not smothering people or wasting their time, calling on contacts at convenient times, being reasonable and considerate with requests, spreading requests around among various contacts, not making promises that cannot be kept, and not revealing sensitive information that may be acquired through network contacts. Finally, networking should not be equated with sales. Instead, it should be considered an information-gathering exercise that can eventually lead to new business opportunities.

Knowing how to network effectively is one of the best ways to move your career forward. Making connections and being timely with thoughtful follow-through will prove to be well worth your time and effort. After experiencing the benefits of networking, you will no longer approach networking events with dread. Instead, you will be enthusiastic about the opportunity to meet new people and build meaningful relationships. I am sharing a few of my effective networking tips below…

1. Have the right attitude – Enter the networking event confidence and a positive attitude. Doing a quick mirror check and finishing a breath mint before walking through the door will also give you an added boost of confidence.

2. Savvy Networkers Set Goals – Decide in advance that you will meet three new contacts and reconnect with established clients. Make it a point to greet the host upon your arrival and take a quick glance around the room to look for people you do not yet know. A new client is only a handshake away.

3. Careful With the Buffet– I have said it before but it is worth repeating, “You are not there to eat!” Have a quick snack before you arrive so you won’t be tempted to overindulge. Hold your drink or plate in your left hand, but not both. Be prepared with your right hand to offer a friendly and firm greeting.

4. “On the right to follow the line of sight.” – Placing your nametag on the right side is the most desirable location. It allows the other person to easily glance at your name for a quick refresher.

5. Always Rise to the Occasion – Both men and women stand up for all introductions. Standing up shows respect for the other person and sends the message that you are interested in what they have to say. Do not worry if you neighbor does not stand up, it is not a contest and you are not trying to make them feel uncomfortable. If someone does not stand up, it is obvious he or she does not know and will not feel uncomfortable regardless.

6. Introduce Yourself with Your First and Last Name– Clearly state your first and last name as you extend your hand for a handshake. Saying only your first name devalues your professionalism. Forget someone’s name? This has happened to all of us. Simply say, “I am sorry, I have just gone blank. Would you please remind me of your name?” This is a much better option than just pretending to remember who he or she is with an awkward look on your face.

7. Speaking of Introductions… When making an introduction, always mention the client’s name first. A client takes precedence over a member of your own company, including the CEO.

8. Have conversation points prepared – The art of small talk can be especially beneficial in growing business relationships. Have a few questions ready so you will be ready to engage your next client.  Steer clear of the not-so-safe topics including money, politics, religion, divorce and gossip.

9. Hand Out Business Cards with Discretion – Refrain from handing out business cards in the same manner you would offer free movie theatre tickets. Concentrate on making a favorable impression and rely on a business card for reinforcement.

10. Follow-up With New Contacts – A brief, handwritten note letting your new contact know how much you enjoyed meeting him or her is a gesture that will be appreciated and remembered well into the future. It is also a good opportunity to suggest a follow up meeting. An email is fine but a handwritten note is much more memorable. Why not do both?

Happy Networking!

Introduction

Some people argue that etiquette no longer matters, that the rules for good behavior are old-fashioned and out of date.  However, good behavior and manners are never out of style. Etiquette, like all other cultural behaviors, evolves to match the times. Without etiquette, members of society would show far too much impatience and disrespect for one another, which would lead to insults, dishonesty, cheating, road rage, fist fights, and a rash of other unfortunate incidents.

Etiquette is merely a set of guidelines for politeness and good manners, the kindnesses with which we should always treat each other. It will always matter! 

What Is Etiquette? 

Etiquette, the complex network of rules that govern good behavior and our social and business interactions, is always evolving and changing as society changes.  It
reflects our cultural norms, generally accepted ethical codes, and the rules of various groups we belong to.   

It helps us show respect and consideration to others and makes others glad that we are with them. Without proper manners and etiquette, the customs of polite society would soon disappear and we would act more like animals and less like people. Aggressiveness and an "every man for himself" attitude would take the lead. 

In earlier times, the rules of etiquette were used for two purposes: to remind people of their own status within society and to reinforce certain restrictions on individuals within that society.

In the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, for instance, etiquette dictated everything from how low a person of inferior rank had to bow to a person of higher rank to how long a man had to spend courting a woman before the two could marry. 

Even the way a person mourned was strictly outlined by rules of etiquette until as recently as the Civil War era in the United States. Widows then were expected to dress in "widow's weeds," or completely black clothing and veils, for a full year after the death of a husband. 

These types of rules in earlier society were usually determined by the ruling classes because they served the purpose of making them more secure in their roles as the rulers of society. By far, the most strenuously enforced rules of etiquette were tied to how one showed respect for the king and his highest ranking officials, such as dukes and princes.  It reinforced their authority. 

The rules of etiquette concerning marriage, mourning, and other major events of life largely applied only to the ruling classes or the wealthy. Peasants and workers, as long as they followed the rules of etiquette pertaining to respecting their superiors, were not expected to follow formalized rules of courtship; they tended to base their own "rules" of courtship on good manners and common sense.

Over the centuries, as society has become more democratic, etiquette has become an excellent combination of good manners, common sense, and rules of conduct that reflect cultural norms and the rules of our society as a whole rather than just one distinct group within it.  It has less to do with the fashion of the moment or who is in power and more to do with putting others at ease and an ethical code of conduct.

Etiquette in Today's Society

Today's etiquette serves several important functions: 

·         Etiquette provides personal security. Knowing how to behave appropriately in a given situation makes you more comfortable.
·         It protects the feelings of others. Proper etiquette requires that you make others comfortable and protect their feelings. You do not point out their errors or draw attention to their mistakes.
·         It makes communication clearer. Etiquette enhances communication by breaking down barriers, not erecting them.
·         It will enhance your status at work. In any working situation, you are perceived as more capable, more professional, and more intelligent if you are familiar with the proper code of conduct for the workplace. 
·         It makes good first impressions. The first five to seven seconds after you meet someone are crucial. Your first impression lingers in the other person's mind long after you are gone.  If you use proper etiquette, that first impression will be a positive one.

Society and our culture are now changing so fast that it is hard for the rules of etiquette to keep up. As quickly as a book of etiquette is published, a new form of communication is developed or a new style of dating becomes all the rage and someone declares the latest etiquette book "hopelessly outdated."   Keep in mind that etiquette is meant to be aguideline, not a set of strict rules carved in stone. Those guidelines are developed using common sense, a sense of fairness, politeness, and above all, consideration for others.  If you let consideration for others be your final arbiter, you will be well on your way to being the kind of polite person who understands the rules of etiquette instinctively.

Etiquette Begins at Home

The reason many young people today do not know much about etiquette is because they never learned it at home--parents no longer directly teach children and teenagers etiquette. If you are reading this to learn more about proper manners and how to practice etiquette in public, your best bet is to start practicing it in private.  It is difficult to switch on good behavior only when you feel like you "need to."  In fact, we really should not be on our best behavior only around people we barely know or want to impress. Our best behavior should be for the people we love: our friends and family.

Therefore, practice the highest standards of etiquette at home. Be sure to be polite and kind toward your spouse, parents, and children, especially your children, so they will learn from example the proper way to treat other people. If they grow up with etiquette ingrained in them, they will find it easier to form lasting relationships, be successful in their jobs, and move through life as the kind of people others enjoy being around.  

You also will find that etiquette becomes second nature to you rather than a set of rules, and your own life will be more pleasant.  People respond positively to those who are nice to them and who treat them with respect.  Proper etiquette guides you in how to do this without "missing something" because you simply were not aware that something you did or did not do might be offensive to the other person.

Want to learn more? Take an online course in Etiquette.

Introduction

The common courtesies of life are the endless little gestures we make almost unconsciously as we move through our day. As we go to work and muddle through our day, we interact with bus drivers, waitresses, people on the street, and countless others. How we interact with these individuals can affect their day and ours. The common courtesies of life, from treating a frazzled server with respect to smiling at the person seated across from us on the bus, should never be forgotten.

Getting through the day can be rough for some of us. If you have a busy schedule, a grueling day at work, or one of your kids is sick, you may have a lot on your mind that puts you in a foul mood. The people around you may be feeling just as miserable, but you do not necessarily want their misery dumped on you, so do not share yours with them. Instead, take the time to be courteous and uphold the small courtesies of life, even when you feel like you would like to sock someone in the nose. Other people will feel better and so will you if you keep making the effort to be polite and share a brief smile or pleasantry.
Whether you are walking, taking a cab or using public transportation, you will interact with others while you go from point A to point B.  Do not act like you are the only person on the sidewalk or road or assume you have the right of way in every situation.  Etiquette calls for defensive driving and regard for the safety of others in every situation.   
·         Pedestrians should never cross traffic against the traffic light.  It insinuates you are above the law and have no regard for drivers on the road. 
·         When you are walking, do not avoid eye contact. Look at others and smile, giving them a brief nod. It may give them a pleasant start to their day.  Do not stare; however, a brief glance and smile are friendly and appropriate without making the other person uncomfortable. 
·         Drivers should never use their car horn unless it is an emergency and they are trying to warn someone to get out of the way. When you honk at someone because you are irritated on a busy city street, you are not only bothering that person, you are annoying dozens of other people around you. 
·         If you tend to drive slowly, stay in the right lane. If you are in the left lane, you are not only being impolite, you are endangering other drivers who will have to weave in and out of lanes more to get past you.
If you use public transportation, keep in mind that the person driving is a professional and should be treated with respect. This person is also going to be holding your life in his or her hands for the duration of your travels in that vehicle, which is not something to be taken lightly.
·         Always greet the driver when you get on a bus or into a taxi and thank the person when you leave.
·         If you see someone running to catch the bus, let the bus driver know so that she or he can wait if possible.
·         If you and another person get to a taxi at the same time, offer to share the ride with him or her. If you are not in a hurry and the other party is headed in the opposite direction, consider offering the person the taxi and hail another one for yourself. 
·         Any time you are riding on public transportation and see a person who may be uncomfortable standing for any length of time, offer that person your seat. This includes pregnant women, the elderly, anyone on crutches, the disabled, or the blind.
·         Do not let your possessions infringe on others' personal space.  If you get on public transportation with shopping bags, a brief case, or sample cases, do not put them on the seat next to you or set them in the aisle where others can trip over them.  If you can, put them underneath the seat; if you cannot, hold them on your lap. Otherwise, hold everything as tightly to your sides as possible. Remember, buses and other transportation services are for people and are not meant to be your personal delivery service.
Services and Places You Visit 
There are lots of places you may go during the course of your day, from restaurants to the dry cleaners. Treat every person you meet with the same amount of respect, regardless of where the person works. The days of courtesy being a product of the recipient's station in life are long gone. For one thing, you have no way of knowing if the person behind the counter is a recent high school graduate or holds a doctorate in nuclear physics. The world is changing rapidly and very few people are working in their chosen field. For another thing, everyone deserves courtesy and respect for doing his or her job; there is no dishonorable work.

·         At the dry cleaners or any other service where you are picking up something you have left for cleaning or repairs, try to have your ticket or receipt.  Yes, the employee can look up your name, but this takes longer and complicates matters. The receipt was given to you for a reason, and the staff will appreciate your having it ready. 
·         When a salesperson is helping you, be sure you are clear about what you want and ask for help with graciousness. Do not be patronizing or demanding.  Remember that the person is helping you and offer thanks sincerely.
·         Always be ready to pay when you reach the register. Digging for your wallet, checkbook, or credit card after you are informed of the amount of purchase tells a cashier and everyone behind you that you do not see anyone else's time as valuable. While your items are being scanned or before you approach the register if you are paying a restaurant tab, get your wallet or checkbook ready.
·         If you have to move in front of others to get to your seats at a theater, face the people, not the stage or movie screen. They would much rather see your face than your butt. Remember to excuse yourself and apologize for the inconvenience. 
·         Grocery stores are for your convenience, but do not take advantage of the employees by putting back items in the wrong place, leaving carts in the parking lot, or other thoughtless gestures. It only takes a moment to put things back where they belong if you have decided you do not want them and to place a cart in the cart return. Employees waste time rounding up misplaced objects, and when your car is damaged by a cart in the parking lot, you will understand why the cart returns are there.
Servers in restaurants are some of the most abused people in the service world, which is a real shame. These workers are on their feet for hours, serving several tables at the same time. Most of the time, they have memorized their establishment's menus and know each day's specials as well. They keep track of everyone's orders, check regularly to make sure customers have all they need, refill drinks, and generally try to keep customers happy; and they do all of this for less than minimum wage. They rely on tips for most of their income, so they make every effort to please their customers. Proper etiquette demands that you make the lives of servers as enjoyable and easy as possible by knowing how to interact with them properly.

·         Give your server your full attention when he or she is speaking at all times and do not carry on conversations when others at your table are ordering; it is rude and makes it difficult for your server to hear clearly in a noisy restaurant.
·         Listen carefully when he or she is reviewing the specials and answering any questions so that your party will not have to ask for lots of repetitions.
·         If your server introduces himself or herself to you by name, use that person's name when addressing him or her. 
·         It is not the waiter's fault if your order is prepared incorrectly; the server did not cook it. Keep this in mind when you ask the server to send it back to the kitchen. 
·         Never raise your voice, even if you are dissatisfied with your service. There is no reason to create a scene or humiliate your server in public. You can make your opinion known politely by speaking to him or her in an appropriate tone of voice. If you cannot reach a satisfactory resolution, ask to speak to a manager.

The Sound of Silence
One of the most commonly ignored rules of etiquette today seems to be the rule that each individual deserves the dignity of a bit of peace and quiet. The old adage that "Silence is golden" still holds true, but people are increasingly ignoring it on subways, in parks, in restaurants, and even in work environments.  The person sitting next to you or across from you does not want to be forcibly held hostage to whatever sounds you may be listening to or making. 
Keep these etiquette tips in mind in order to respect other's "sound space." 
·         Do not use your MP3 player at such a volume that it can be heard beyond the range of your earphones whenever you are in public. The reason the device has earphones is to make listening a private endeavor.
·         Remember that, while you may think your children's endless chatter is adorable, most strangers will not. They do not have any personal interest invested in your children and may want to take advantage of the spare moments on the train to take a quick nap. Keep your children engaged in a quiet conversation or activity.
·         Cell phone conversations should be kept to an absolute minimum. No one else wants to hear the intimate details of your life. There will be more on cell phone etiquette in a later chapter. 
·         On tours, such as in museums, do not carry on conversations with a companion while the tour guide is talking. Not only is it disrespectful to the guide, it makes it difficult for those close to you to concentrate on what they are trying to hear.
The Little Things Count
An etiquette guide cannot address every possible situation you will face as you move through life. There are countless situations in life when you will have the opportunity to practice small kindnesses that will reveal your true character. Each little act may improve someone else's life a bit and that person may pass it on to someone else, so take the time to show kindness to strangers. 
How?  Open the door for someone weighted down by packages. Hold the elevator for someone who is running to catch it.  Apologize to anyone you bump into. Offer your place in line to someone with just a few items. Help a co-worker who is behind on a project. 
If each of us practices both the small and large gestures of etiquette every day to those around us that we barely know, the domino effect will quickly spread, making life much nicer for all of us.

Everyone was a network newbie once. And not everyone has had the benefit of reading this book. So when someone makes a mistake -- whether it's a spelling error or a spelling flame, a stupid question or an unnecessarily long answer -- be kind about it. If it's a minor error, you may not need to say anything. Even if you feel strongly about it, think twice before reacting. Having good manners yourself doesn't give you license to correct everyone else.

If you do decide to inform someone of a mistake, point it out politely, and preferably by private email rather than in public. Give people the benefit of the doubt; assume they just don't know any better. And never be arrogant or self-righteous about it. Just as it's a law of nature that spelling flames always contain spelling errors, notes pointing out Netiquette violations are often examples of poor Netiquette.

Some people in cyberspace have more power than others. There are wizards in MUDs (multi-user dungeons), experts in every office, and system administrators in every system.

Knowing more than others, or having more power than they do, does not give you the right to take advantage of them. For example, sysadmins should never read private email.

Of course, you'd never dream of going through your colleagues' desk drawers. So naturally you wouldn't read their email either.

Unfortunately, a lot of people would. This topic actually rates a separate section. For now, here's a cautionary tale. I call it

The case of the snoopy foreign correspondent

In 1993, a highly regarded foreign correspondent in the Moscow bureau of the Los Angeles Times was caught reading his coworkers' email. His colleagues became suspicious when system records showed that someone had logged in to check their email at times when they knew they hadn't been near the computer. So they set up a sting operation. They planted false information in messages from another one of the paper's foreign bureaus. The reporter read the notes and later asked colleagues about the false information. Bingo! As a disciplinary measure, he was immediately reassigned to another position at the paper's Los Angeles bureau.

The moral: Failing to respect other people's privacy is not just bad Netiquette. It could also cost you your job.

"Flaming" is what people do when they express a strongly held opinion without holding back any emotion. It's the kind of message that makes people respond, "Oh come on, tell us how you really feel." Tact is not its objective.

Does Netiquette forbid flaming? Not at all. Flaming is a long-standing network tradition (and Netiquette never messes with tradition). Flames can be lots of fun, both to write and to read. And the recipients of flames sometimes deserve the heat.

But Netiquette does forbid the perpetuation of flame wars -- series of angry letters, most of them from two or three people directed toward each other, that can dominate the tone and destroy the camaraderie of a discussion group. It's unfair to the other members of the group. And while flame wars can initially be amusing, they get boring very quickly to people who aren't involved in them. They're an unfair monopolization of bandwidth.

Finally, after all that negativity, some positive advice.

The strength of cyberspace is in its numbers. The reason asking questions online works is that a lot of knowledgeable people are reading the questions. And if even a few of them offer intelligent answers, the sum total of world knowledge increases. The Internet itself was founded and grew because scientists wanted to share information. Gradually, the rest of us got in on the act.

So do your part. Despite the long lists of no-no's in this book, you do have something to offer. Don't be afraid to share what you know.

It's especially polite to share the results of your questions with others. When you anticipate that you'll get a lot of answers to a question, or when you post a question to a discussion group that you don't visit often, it's customary to request replies by email instead of to the group. When you get all those responses, write up a summary and post it to the discussion group. That way, everyone benefits from the experts who took the time to write to you.

If you're an expert yourself, there's even more you can do. Many people freely post all kinds of resource lists and bibliographies, from lists of online legal resources to lists of popular UNIX books. If you're a leading participant in a discussion group that lacks a FAQ, consider writing one. If you've researched a topic that you think would be of interest to others, write it up and post it. See "Copyright in Cyberspace" on page 133 for a few words on the copyright implications of posting research.

Sharing your knowledge is fun. It's a long-time net tradition. And it makes the world a better place.

Take advantage of your anonymity

I don't want to give the impression that the net is a cold, cruel place full of people who just can't wait to insult each other. As in the world at large, most people who communicate online just want to be liked. Networks -- particularly discussion groups -- let you reach out to people you'd otherwise never meet. And none of them can see you. You won't be judged by the color of your skin, eyes, or hair, your weight, your age, or your clothing.

You will, however, be judged by the quality of your writing. For most people who choose to communicate online, this is an advantage; if they didn't enjoy using the written word, they wouldn't be there. So spelling and grammar do count.

If you're spending a lot of time on the net and you're shaky in these areas, it's worth brushing up on them. There are plenty of books available, but you'll learn more -- and possibly have more fun -- if you take a course. If you're an older adult , you don't have to take a "bonehead grammar" course with a bunch of bored teenagers. Instead, look for courses on proofreading and copyediting; they usually cover the basic rules of grammar pretty thoroughly, and they'll be filled with motivated students who are there because they want to be. Check your local community college and university extension catalogs -- you'll be amazed at what they offer. A side benefit is that taking courses involves meeting people you can actually see.

Know what you're talking about and make sense

Pay attention to the content of your writing. Be sure you know what you're talking about -- when you see yourself writing "it's my understanding that" or "I believe it's the case," ask yourself whether you really want to post this note before checking your facts. Bad information propagates like wildfire on the net. And once it's been through two or three iterations, you get the same distortion effect as in the party game "Operator": Whatever you originally said may be unrecognizable. (Of course, you could take this as a reason not to worry about the accuracy of your postings. But you're only responsible for what you post yourself, not for what anyone else does with it.)

In addition, make sure your notes are clear and logical. It's perfectly possible to write a paragraph that contains no errors in grammar or spelling, but still makes no sense whatsoever. This is most likely to happen when you're trying to impress someone by using a lot of long words that you don't really understand yourself. Trust me -- no one worth impressing will be impressed. It's better to keep it simple.

Don't post flame-bait

Finally, be pleasant and polite. Don't use offensive language, and don't be confrontational for the sake of confrontation.

Q. Is swearing acceptable on the net?

Only in those areas where sewage is considered an art form, e.g., the USENET newsgroup alt.tasteless. Usually, if you feel that cursing in some form is required, it's preferable to use amusing euphemisms like "effing" and "sugar." You may also use the classic asterisk filler -- for example, s***. The archness is somehow appropriate to the net, and you avoid offending anyone needlessly. And everyone will know exactly what you mean.

It's a cliché that people today seem to have less time than ever before, even though (or perhaps because) we sleep less and have more labor-saving devices than our grandparents did. When you send email or post to a discussion group, you're taking up other people's time (or hoping to). It's your responsibility to ensure that the time they spend reading your posting isn't wasted.

The word "bandwidth" is sometimes used synonymously with time, but it's really a different thing. Bandwidth is the information-carrying capacity of the wires and channels that connect everyone in cyberspace. There's a limit to the amount of data that any piece of wiring can carry at any given moment -- even a state-of-the-art fiber-optic cable. The word "bandwidth" is also sometimes used to refer to the storage capacity of a host system. When you accidentally post the same note to the same newsgroup five times, you are wasting both time (of the people who check all five copies of the posting) and bandwidth (by sending repetitive information over the wires and requiring it to be stored somewhere).

You are not the center of cyberspace

Presumably, this reminder will be superfluous to most readers. But I include it anyway, because when you're working hard on a project and deeply involved in it, it's easy to forget that other people have concerns other than yours. So don't expect instant responses to all your questions, and don't assume that all readers will agree with -- or care about -- your passionate arguments.

Rules for discussion groups

Rule 4 has a number of implications for discussion group users. Most discussion group readers are already spending too much time sitting at the computer; their significant others, families, and roommates are drumming their fingers, wondering when to serve dinner, while those network maniacs are catching up on the latest way to housebreak a puppy or cook zucchini.

And many news-reading programs are slow, so just opening a posted note or article can take a while. Then the reader has to wade through all the header information to get to the meat of the message. No one is pleased when it turns out not to be worth the trouble. See "Netiquette for Discussion Groups" on page 65 for detailed rules.

To whom should messages be directed? (Or why "mailing list" could become a dirty word)

In the old days, people made copies with carbon paper. You could only make about five legible copies. So you thought good and hard about who you wanted to send those five copies to.

Today, it's as easy to copy practically anyone on your mail as it is not to. And we sometimes find ourselves copying people almost out of habit. In general, this is rude. People have less time than ever today, precisely because they have so much information to absorb. Before you copy people on your messages, ask yourself whether they really need to know. If the answer is no, don't waste their time. If the answer is maybe, think twice before you hit the send key.

Netiquette varies from domain to domain

What's perfectly acceptable in one area may be dreadfully rude in another. For example, in most TV discussion groups, passing on idle gossip is perfectly permissible. But throwing around unsubstantiated rumors in a journalists' mailing list will make you very unpopular there.

And because Netiquette is different in different places, it's important to know where you are. Thus the next corollary:

Lurk before you leap

When you enter a domain of cyberspace that's new to you, take a look around. Spend a while listening to the chat or reading the archives. Get a sense of how the people who are already there act. Then go ahead and participate.

In real life, most people are fairly law-abiding, either by disposition or because we're afraid of getting caught. In cyberspace, the chances of getting caught sometimes seem slim. And, perhaps because people sometimes forget that there's a human being on the other side of the computer, some people think that a lower standard of ethics or personal behavior is acceptable in cyberspace.

The confusion may be understandable, but these people are mistaken. Standards of behavior may be different in some areas of cyberspace, but they are not lower than in real life.

Be ethical

Don't believe anyone who says, "The only ethics out there are what you can get away with." This is a book about manners, not about ethics. But if you encounter an ethical dilemma in cyberspace, consult the code you follow in real life. Chances are good you'll find the answer.

One more point on Netiquette ethics: If you use shareware, pay for it. Paying for shareware encourages more people to write shareware. The few dollars probably won't mean much to you, and they benefit all of cyberspace in the long run.

Breaking the law is bad Netiquette

If you're tempted to do something that's illegal in cyberspace, chances are it's also bad Netiquette.

Some laws are obscure or complicated enough that it's hard to know how to follow them. And in some cases, we're still establishing how the law applies to cyberspace. Two examples are the laws on privacy (see Rule 8 and "Email Privacy -- a Grand Illusion" on page 125) and copyright (see "Copyright in Cyberspace" on page 133).

Again, this is a book on manners, not a legal manual. But Netiquette mandates that you do your best to act within the laws of society and cyberspace.

The golden rule your parents and your kindergarten teacher taught you was pretty simple: Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you. Imagine how you'd feel if you were in the other person's shoes. Stand up for yourself, but try not to hurt people's feelings.

In cyberspace, we state this in an even more basic manner: Remember the human.

When you communicate electronically, all you see is a computer screen. You don't have the opportunity to use facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice to communicate your meaning; words -- lonely written words -- are all you've got. And that goes for your correspondent as well.

When you're holding a conversation online -- whether it's an email exchange or a response to a discussion group posting -- it's easy to misinterpret your correspondent's meaning. And it's frighteningly easy to forget that your correspondent is a person with feelings more or less like your own.

It's ironic, really. Computer networks bring people together who'd otherwise never meet. But the impersonality of the medium changes that meeting to something less -- well, less personal. Humans exchanging email often behave the way some people behind the wheel of a car do: They curse at other drivers, make obscene gestures, and generally behave like savages. Most of them would never act that way at work or at home. But the interposition of the machine seems to make it acceptable.

The message of Netiquette is that it's not acceptable. Yes, use your network connections to express yourself freely, explore strange new worlds, and boldly go where you've never gone before. But remember the Prime Directive of Netiquette: Those are real people out there.

Would you say it to the person's face?

Writer and Macintosh evangelist Guy Kawasaki tells a story about getting email from some fellow he's never met. Online, this fellow tells Guy that he's a bad writer with nothing interesting to say.

Unbelievably rude? Yes, but unfortunately, it happens all the time in cyberspace.

Maybe it's the awesome power of being able to send mail directly to a well-known writer like Guy. Maybe it's the fact that you can't see his face crumple in misery as he reads your cruel words. Whatever the reason, it's incredibly common.

Guy proposes a useful test for anything you're about to post or mail: Ask yourself, "Would I say this to the person's face?" If the answer is no, rewrite and reread. Repeat the process till you feel sure that you'd feel as comfortable saying these words to the live person as you do sending them through cyberspace.

Of course, it's possible that you'd feel great about saying something extremely rude to the person's face. In that case, Netiquette can't help you. Go get a copy of Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.

Another reason not to be offensive online

When you communicate through cyberspace -- via email or on discussion groups -- your words are written. And chances are they're stored somewhere where you have no control over them. In other words, there's a good chance they can come back to haunt you.

Never forget the story of famous email user Oliver North. Ollie, you'll remember, was a great devotee of the White House email system, PROFS. He diligently deleted all incriminating notes he sent or received. What he didn't realize was that, somewhere else in the White House, computer room staff were equally diligently backing up the mainframe where his messages were stored. When he went on trial, all those handy backup tapes were readily available as evidence against him.

You don't have to be engaged in criminal activity to want to be careful. Any message you send could be saved or forwarded by its recipient. You have no control over where it goes.

What is Netiquette? Simply stated, it's network etiquette -- that is, the etiquette of cyberspace. And "etiquette" means "the forms required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be required in social or official life." In other words, Netiquette is a set of rules for behaving properly online.

When you enter any new culture -- and cyberspace has its own culture -- you're liable to commit a few social blunders. You might offend people without meaning to. Or you might misunderstand what others say and take offense when it's not intended. To make matters worse, something about cyberspace makes it easy to forget that you're interacting with other real people -- not just ASCII characters on a screen, but live human characters.

So, partly as a result of forgetting that people online are still real, and partly because they don't know the conventions, well-meaning cybernauts, especially new ones, make all kinds of mistakes.

The book Netiquette has a dual purpose: to help net newbies minimize their mistakes, and to help experienced cyberspace travelers help the newbies. The premise of the book is that most people would rather make friends than enemies, and that if you follow a few basic rules, you're less likely to make the kind of mistakes that will prevent you from making friends.

The list of core rules below, and the explanations that follow, are excerpted from the book. They are offered here as a set of general guidelines for cyberspace behavior. They won't answer all your Netiquette questions. But they should give you some basic principles to use in solving your own Netiquette dilemmas.

As the Internet and World Wide Web grow and more and more of us participate in global communication, it becomes critical for each and everyone of us to follow some simple rules of etiquette.

Be polite. Include a salutation to the person or persons to whom you are writing (e.g., George, or District Task Force,). Write clearly and accurately. Never be abusive, harassing or rude. Never use obscene language.

Remember that written correspondence does not convey body language. Do not WRITE TOTALLY IN CAPITAL LETTERS. It comes across as shouting. Use written annotations in your text to express mood. For example, one can use a variety of smiley faces :-) or surround words in asterisks, such as *smile*.

Note that your electronic mail is not guaranteed to be private. Think of e-mail as a postcard which can be read (but shouldn't be) by anyone.

Do not reveal your own personal address nor the addresses and/or phone numbers of other students or colleagues without their permission.

All communications and information accessible via the network should be assumed to be private property. One should not intentionally seek to obtain unauthorized copies of, or to deliberately modify, any files or other data (e.g. passwords) belonging to any other users of this system.

Copyright law pertains to material found on the Internet / WWW as well as published hardcopy works. While copying and duplicating interesting works found on the internet can be instructional, make sure to check for copyright information before copying anything. Copyright information is often found at the bottom of the page in fine print, and may even be only on the last of a series of linked pages.

To know what you can rightfully copy and duplicate, check out the Copyright Resource Center.

Do not use the network in such a way that you would disrupt the use of the network by other users.